If only

Hello guys! This idea popped while I was having a shower last night. So blame it on summer heat if you wont like this fic.. hehehe.. but I still hope you'd enjoy reading.. Send me some love okay..

p.s... this is quite long and unedited

If only

“Good morning, Shillang. Come on and let’s start breakfast!” you greeted me so cheerfully.
I just hurriedly reached for the glass of orange juice and put the toast in my mouth.

“But Shillang, you need to eat properly so you’ll have energy.” You exclaimed while shaking your head and tried pushing the plate near me.
“If you woke me up an hour ago, then I would have time to eat.” I grudgingly replied and head near the door to put on my shoes.

“But you went home just this morning. If I woke you an hour ago then you would only have two hours of sleep. “You reply sadly.

“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. I need to go now. ” And I grabbed the backpack from the sofa.

“I’m sorry Shillang. I only wanted you to rest longer. Do you want me to just wrap these foods so you can eat it while filming? You again asked as you trailed after me on the way out.

“It’s okay. Don’t bother. Bye Buin. “And I went out of the door.

“Bye, Shillang, I love you.” You shouted as you watch me walked towards the lift.

I was already on my way to the company building when I noticed the envelope on the passenger seat of the car. As soon as I arrived I open it and checked what’s inside. I slightly hit myself when I remembered today – It’s May11. Our 3rd wedding anniversary.

Yes- I am Kim Hyunjoong and I ‘am married to Hwangbo Hyejung. We got married three years ago amidst my company’s disapproval and the threat of anti fans. They told me that it was a career suicide but we brave the odds. We were in love and we would like to start our own family. So backed up by our family and friends, we got married in the island of Jeju. We were the number one news in Korea that time. “Ssangchu couple got married for real” was the headlines of newspapers and magazines. Joongbo support cannot be ignored and we were happy. It was pure bliss for some time. After about a year in the marriage, we started feeling the after effects. Offers for commercials and shows for me lessen and even the album that I produced didn’t do well. What hit us most was when you had a miscarriage. We were both devastated. You and I decided that you will quit the entertainment industry and you will just focus in running your restaurant and will stay home most of the time.

Just this month, I got a big offer to star in a drama. We were both ecstatic about this and I immersed myself in attending workshop and training. Today would be the last day of training and next week we will have a week off before the filming. I admit I’ve been really into it, studying the script, getting into my character and all. I will leave the house early in the morning and will be home in the wee hours. That’s the reason why I forgot the occasion today. Realizing, what I jerk I was, I grabbed my phone and sent you a message.

“ Buin, Happy Anniversary. I’ll see you home tonight.”

Not even a minute passed when I felt my phone vibrate and saw your reply.

“Happy anniversary Shillang. I love you. See you tonight.”

As soon as I’m done reading your message, I head to the training room and attend the workshop with the rest of the drama cast. We immediately began and didn’t notice the time passed by. It was already one in the afternoon; we were having late lunch when I heard my phone ringing. I excused myself and answer your call outside the cafeteria.

“Buin, why are you calling?” I answered without even greeting you.

“Hello Shillang. I’m just checking if you already had lunch and to remind you to go home early tonight.” You sweetly replied.

“Yes we‘re having lunch and I’ll be home early.” I briefly confirmed.

“Are you having a hard time Shillang? I know you will do well in that drama. Don’t be too stressed.” And I heard you sigh.

“Look, Buin I need to go now. I saw the cast leaving the cafeteria.” I tried to cut our conversation.

“Wait, Shillang, just do me a favor.” You butt in before I drop the call.

“Say it now, I really need to go.” I hurriedly replied.

“Say you love me, Shillang.” And I heard you giggled this time.

“But, Buin, the cast are now coming over. They’ll hear me say it.” I tried to refuse.

“Please Shillang. It’s our anniversary. Let me hear you say it again.” you sweetly prodded.

I saw the cast on their way out of the cafeteria. If I’ll say it now, I’m done before they can even reach me. So just whispered on the line. “Hwangbo, Hye jung, I love you.”

I heard you chuckled and it made me smile.

“I love you too, Shillang and correction, its Kim Hyejung now. I’ll see you tonight.” You replied and we both hung up.

At around six o’clock I was already on my way home when I remember to drop by a flower shop. I was waiting for the florist to finish preparing the bouquet when I checked my phone. Only then did I realize that it was off. The director asked us to turn it off after lunch break so we can concentrate on our final activities. I turned it on and decided to call you and advise that I’m on my way home. I’ve called twice but you weren’t answering my call. Maybe you were in the shower or too busy preparing so you weren’t able to answer so I just decided to head home.

After ten minutes, I was very surprised to arrive in an empty house. I called your name but you were not answering. I searched our room but it’s empty. I really find it odd not finding you waiting for me when you reminded me to be home early. I tried calling you again but was more confused when I heard the ringing of your phone. I found it just lying in the sofa.  Suddenly I felt very odd and my heart started beating fast. Where are you? Why are you not home? Then I decided to call your Mom. With just the first ring, she answered in an unsteady voice.

“Hyunjooong-ah, where have you been? Hyejung... She...” and all she said after that became blurred. All I know was I you needed me and I have to be there.


As soon as I arrived at the hospital, I run towards your room and found Omma waiting by the door. When I reached her side, I saw that she’s been crying. She hugged me so tight and asked me to go and see you. My heart was beating so fast, I took a deep breath and open the door. I walked calmly towards your bedside. I tried waking you up by calling you name.


“Buin, Buin, I’m here. Open your eyes.” I whispered by your ears. I took your hands when you didn’t budge. It felt so cold. “Buin, tell me what’s wrong? “ And I kissed your cheeks. “Buin, please answer me. Don’t scare me like this.” I uttered as I touch your arms and caressed your face.


“Hyunjoong-ah, she’s gone” I heard your mom said.


“No, Omma. That’s that true. She’s just sleeping. “I answered while shaking my head. I frantically reached for your hands and squeezed it. I touched your face again as I called your name.

“ Buin, Buin. Come on. It’s our anniversary tonight. Open your eyes baby. You don’t need to cook or do anything. Just wake up please.” I pleaded. Tears started rolling down my face when you didn’t answer me back.

“She called me this afternoon. She was so happy. She told me that you will be home early so you can celebrate your anniversary. I drop by your house to help her. When I arrived, she hugged me so tight and told me “Omma, Hyunjoong loves me”. I can see that she was really happy. She happily danced her way to the kitchen and started preparing for tonight. I was on the restroom when I heard her screamed. She was holding hear head, she said it’s hurting so bad, she was crying. I called the ambulance but she already lost consciousness. “ Your mother told me everything in between tears.

“We tried calling you but your phone was off. I know she was waiting for you. She regained consciousness an hour ago and asked for you. But then another pain hit her. This time her body gave up.” Your mother continued but broke down after this.


Brain aneurysm. That’s what the doctor told me. I can’t believe that you’re gone, Buin. Even now that it’s been a month since you passed away. I am trying to arrange your stuff in our closet when I found your diary. I sat down and began reading your entries. It started on the day we got married.

May 11, 2009
I am now officially Mrs .Kim Hyejung. I can’t thank the Lord enough for giving me a wonderful husband. This one of the best days of my life. I love you Kim Hyunjoong.


I continue reading on. Some entries were just about mundane things. Your work or our little fights.


July 25 2010

I’m so sad for Shillang. I saw how disappointed he was when the album didn’t make it to the charts. I know he prepared for it and it breaks my heart that not a lot of people supported him. I wish I could do something. I already asked my friend and family to buy his album but it wasn’t enough. What else should I do…?


September 20, 2010

I’m so sorry baby. I cannot protect you. I just want you to know that even if I lost you, Omma will always have a space in my heart for you. I just wished we were able to spend more time together and that you were able to meet your Appa. He is a wonderful person and I know you would really love him just like I do. I will miss you baby. Even if were together for only two months, I will miss you. Watched over us from heaven, okay... I love you baby.


I cannot help but shed tears when I saw the sonogram of our baby. I know you two are in heaven now together and watching over me. I wiped my tears and continue reading.


January 1, 2012

Thank you Lord for giving us this New Year. I pray that this year, you will bless my husband with more work and good health. I cannot ask for anything more for me. As long as Shillang is happy, I am happy too.


February 14, 2012

I guess Shillang is busy so he forgot that today is Valentine’s Day. Anyway I have prepared a dinner for him. I’m just so sad that he wasn’t able to come home early. I just shared the food with my neighbors.

Feb28, 2012
Today I went to visit Shillang on his photo shoot. I decided to bring him food to cheer him up. It broke my heart to see him standing behind the younger artist. Used to be that he’s the one in the centre. I was so hurt but I put on a brave face so he won’t be affected too. We shared the food I brought, he’s smiling but I know he’s not happy deep inside. Now I can’t help but wonder, does he ever regret marrying me?

March 18, 2012
Thank you Lord for sending this big project to Shillang. I saw how excited he was when his manager informed him. This is an answered prayer. My heart burst with so much happiness. Thank you Lord.

Unknowingly, I reached the last entry of your diary. I was surprised to see that its dated on the day you passed away.


May 11, 2012
I know it’s a bit early for this entry but my heart is jumping with joy. It’s our 3rd anniversary and I have a big surprise for my husband. Just this morning, after he left, I conducted and test and it’s positive. Yes, I am pregnant. I will tell him about it tonight. And I called him just minutes ago. He told me he loved me!!!!!! I’m soooo happy! I haven’t heard him say it for a long time. I love him and it will never change. I can’t wait to see him tonight. I won’t get tired of saying this: I LOVE KIM HYUNJOONG!


And with the last entry, I broke down into tears. Why did I turn off my phone? I could have been with you that day. We could still be together now. I regret not telling you that I love you every day, Buin. Because I really do. I never regret marrying you. With everything that has happened in my life, you have been my touchstone. I could have given up if not for you. If only I could turn back time, I will show you how much you mean to me.I will shower you with love just like what you have done for me. I love you, Buin and I really miss you.